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July 8th, 2012

My sister

ive always hated my sister because she never could understand me. she always looked to me and expected things out of me that i could not give. some ppl see strength but i see cowardice because i do as i do to avoid that which i know i cannot do. i know when i listen to others no good comes out of it. things in life i have to realize on my own because an action without reason can be destructive.

she tells me that i have wasted many opportuinities but she dosent know of the things i have to deal with on my own. for a large part it is how i deal with situations and my lack of coping mechanisms but what to say of that? i dont really have a problem so much i mean i know she just dosent get me and now i wonder why am i writing this anyway?

June 26th, 2012

so sad i could die

i saw him today. he just showed up in the coffee shop. i was so happy to see him. i kissed him on the forehead and hugged him. i was just so happy. i wish i hadnt kissed him. what was i thinking? what was i thinking?
so i intend to become a protstitute. I fucked the guy i love, his best friend and let his other friend finger me. behind my back everyone talks about me in a mean way and make jokes about me being a hoe. am I bothered? no. he hurt me. and i let him ruin me. yes this is all my fault because i let him do all this to me. and i still am letting all of them do this to me. but here is what i will do. i will do the things i want to do and i want to sell my body for money. why? because useless men fuck me anyway. i may find someone else to love but i dont want to and i dont care to love anyone else. i am not my best friend. i am me. i work hard, i fight hard, i take things seriously and i get hurt alot. so i will do what i want to do. i will be a prostitute.

my aunt wants to throw me out of the house just because i come home a little late. because i come home with hickies on my neck. she thinks im whoring myself out so i will whore myself out. how do i feel about all this? hurt about everything, i dont regret much of what i have done just that i wish i didnt love such an asshole who dosent care about me. that i didnt fuck his friend. that i didnt fuck my best friend's ex and that i didnt let that guy be around when the guy i love and i were doing stuff because the guy i love let him finger me. i wish i didnt go off and fuck four guys in one week. i wish i didnt fuck that last guy. i wish i didnt fall in love with that other guy because he reminded me of the origional guy i loved. and i wish that the guy i loved friend didn't ever treat me so well that i slept with him. i wish i wasnt so weak. that my family wasnt so fucked up. that i was stronger and more like my best friend. but im not. i have belly to fuck around. i have belly to have many men and not be bothered. i am weak when i love someone so i know what to do. and im okay with it.

when im done. my aunt would have wished she had left me alone. i hope i dont get an STD. I wont be able to be friends with my friends. my parents would have wished i was dead. then maybe everyone would understand how much i am hurt. and what would they ask. why? and when i say why they would say that i am being irrational but that dosent make me feel any better does it? it dosent make the pain go away does it? it dosent make me any more comforable or feel more alive or loved does it?

most of all. i dont regret the sex. i miss it. i like it so i will keep doing it. if anyone were me they would know how i think or feel. my mother would leave my father. my father wouldnt be so blind and ignorant about his child. my sister is a planet away. the only person i regret hurting is my best friend because she stuck by my side. she didnt give up on me. she didnt mistreat me. she taught me with patience but this is just how i am. one person does make all the difference. the difference between suicide and just wasting my life. either way im wasting it. im sorry bestie. this is just who i am. im so sorry.

March 16th, 2012

a little better

im on bipolar medication now. that was what was wrong with me. im okay i guess. he wants me but only for sex. im not into that. i wish he understood... oh well i have to go to work now. i dont know when ill get time to come online again. its so busy with school and work... but im enjoying it :D

August 6th, 2011

today he said he just didnt want to be with me... and for some reason my world felt dim but didnt crash right there and then. i didnt hyperventilate or start crying... i did run back into the resturaunt and kissed him on his forehead even though he was damned pissed to see me but... i just felt like i had to... like... i just...

thats just it... im not in connection with my feelings. i love him thats what i say but do i really love him? i miss him alot. every day for days and weeks and months. i miss him on the inside when i wake up and if i dont call him every few days. i miss him in the afternoon which is odd cause weve never really spent more than a few hours together but i miss him any way every day and every day i want to see him and talk to him and hear his voice which is damn odd to me.

he says he dosent want to be with me and then he says he just dosent know what he wants... i know what i want... i want nothing. i have what i need. i love him in my heart and in a piece of my soul it is my comfort and my strength and no matter what he says or does ill love him all the same and if he needs someone to be there for him... ill be right there as for me... i need to find more of myself.

July 24th, 2011

because i want to be normal

sometimes, just sometimes i feel normal these days... sometimes i realize how normal he is... how abnormal she is... how caught i am- i chose him but i still like being with her. its like standing in the middle of a wall and looking down both sides not knowing if i should give up who i was or become who i could be. who do i want to be?

i want to be a mother, a wife... i have already been a daughter- now i am a student, a niece, a cousin. i want to be a girlfriend, a lover, a friend- i want to be normal. Normal my way not hers, maybe his... so long as i agree with it morally and i have not ever disagreed with him on anything really... just anxious and accusative silly huh? ill try harder, ill learn more- i will do everything to become normal. why be abnormal its no fun in the park. its one thing to stand out but to stand out so much you are revered and feared- id rahter be respected and loved. She dosen't get it- ive been where shes going and i dont want to go back- im sorry but i dont think i can be her friend.

Shes been where i want to be- she sees it as shallow and stupid but to be on lays with people and be able to play with their minds and manipulate them- its no fun and people are not stupid its just a deep hole shes digging and there really is only a hard way out. i dont want to be that person not again- not any more.

July 23rd, 2011

because my life is normal

i feel absolutely fuckign depressed... i have tried so hard not to fill the shoes of mytroublesome cousin and instead ive done just that... what the hell am i supposed to do? i spent too much going on an illegal trip, i go places and do things i shouldnt do and i dont tell neone and i look troublesome... i can save, im trying my hardest not to make trouble but i do it neway... its funny how my life has gone from extrem to normal and this one i can cope with but it feels so surreal...

seems like everyone is breaking up- am i gonna loose him too? i love him so much but do i deserve him after what i have done? i have stopped but i miss him so much any way... im trying just to study and do chores and not make her life more hellish than it already is but... things just keep showing up that im not even aware of... man... i just screw up all the time huh?

July 10th, 2011

If you had to participate in an eating contest, what food would you pick to eat?

i really dont know how to feel. today is sunday and i want to call him and ask to see him. i really just want to hug him and kiss him a little today; thats why my panties are up in a bunch because i want to do it so badly and i feel like hell say no. if he says no ill be really sad... my best friend is talking to me again- dishing out advice but i won't listen not this time. this time i have to do it one hundred percent my way. i might loose him once and for all this time but at least i can say i was myself. i really love this guy from the bottom of my heart and it hurts alot to know that i have hurt him how i have... its a little hard living with myself cause of it. On a brighter note though- im not suicidal really... i didnt want ot commit suicide, i just cried hysterically from disappointment so i guess i am getting better ne?

my principles? don't hurt other people especially those you love. not that im doing a good job of it cause of what i do to him... what i have done to him... i feel pretty awful. still though- i just want to be in his arms and fall asleep- i just want him to hug me and kiss me again. i just want to be with him really badly...

no one really understands how i feel. to them its just a bunch of words and im just bitching and complaining but between you and i... i dream every night the bad things that went on at home. these days i feel really uneasy cause i feel like my dad would appear from no where. i could hear my mom's cries and feel the depression- i can still remeber what went on there even though im not thinking about it... it just creeps up on me when my mind is searching to be blear. right now its in turmoil and crying didnt help. there really is nothing to be done except wait for it to all boil down but right now all i want to do is to be in his arms... me might probably say no but what can be said ay?
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